Always Beautiful Read online

  “I don’t know how you’re getting home now.” I said to Hannah as we sat on the couch in the living room. She shrugged. “Looks like a sleepover might be happening after all.” She said with a grin. I smiled too. I was starting to feel a little buzz from the drinks. AFI’s “Silver and Cold” came on through the speakers and I began tapping my fingers to the beat, my head bobbing to the music. Hannah began to sing the lyrics and I joined her. I’d always loved this song. It was poetic and held a lot of meaning. I particularly loved the part when the lead singer says “I’ll fall asleep for you”.

  Our mini karaoke session was short lived when shouting broke out around the table in the dining room. I craned my neck to see what was going on and saw Zeppelin and Josh jumping up and down in victory. “Son of a bitch, I thought we had it!” I heard Dixon complain. “Let’s go congratulate the winners.” Hannah said with a wink. I stared at her. “Oh come on Lucky, like Zeppelin wouldn’t love if you walked up to him right now and kissed him.” She said. “You know I’m not like that Hannah.” I started to say. Hannah leaned in close to me and whispered conspiratorially. “Then why don’t you start being like that, Lucky. You need to loosen up.” She said. I downed the rest of the drink I was holding and nodded. “Alright, if you think I need to let loose, I’ll do it.” I stood from the couch.

  “Are you serious?” Hannah gasped as she shot up from the couch. I shrugged. “Why the hell not? I’m tired of being the prim and proper Lucy Harris who only focuses on school. I want to be Lucky, the girl who loves racing, underground fight clubs, and tattooed boys.” A smirk formed across Hannah’s lips. “What’s gotten into you?” She wondered. “Honestly?” I began. “I can’t stop thinking about how he makes me feel when he touches me. I also think I have a bit of liquid courage at the moment.” Hannah grabbed my hand. “Let’s go then.” She said and began pulling me toward the dining room.

  Josh and Zeppelin exchanged high fives and began passing their cups to Dixon and Tucker across from them. Dixon began talking to another girl that was standing nearby. She was a little bit shorter than him and had long dark hair and mocha colored skin. She was really pretty and I wondered if my cousin had a little thing for this girl who I wasn’t familiar with. Hannah must have caught my gaze, because she began speaking. “That’s Regina. She’s actually a really sweet girl. She just graduated with me.” She explained. I nodded.

  I startled when I felt an arm come around my waist, guiding me back in to a warm, hard body. “Hey Angel.” Zeppelin said in a soft voice. I turned my head to look at him. “Hey.” I breathed. He easily invaded and overwhelmed my senses, rendering me damn near speechless. His hand rested on my hip and he squeezed gently as he placed a kiss on the corner of my mouth.

  Whatever it was, the raging neglected hormones inside of me, the alcohol, or both, I turned abruptly to face him. Coiling my fingers in his hair with one hand, I pulled his head toward me until his lips touched mine. Zeppelin groaned as I slid my mouth against his, small moans escaping as I silently urged him for more. He placed his hands on either side of my hips and pushed me slightly back as his head pulled away from mine. “Holy shit.” He muttered, his breathing ragged. I bit down on my lip and looked down. “Sorry.” I mumbled. Zeppelin began shaking his head. “Don’t be sorry Angel. You just surprised me. I mean…holy shit.” He said again incredulously. He searched my face and then glanced around the room.

  There were people starting a new game of beer pong. Dixon was talking to Regina still but they had moved to the couch in the living room where Tucker and who I assumed to be Lacey had appeared as well. Josh and Hannah were talking closely near the kitchen. I hadn’t even remembered her leaving my side. It was hard to be coherent when I was around Zeppelin. He made me only see him. He made me want to be reckless. I was in virgin territory in more ways than one with this entire situation, but that didn’t stop me from saying what I did next.

  “Do you want to come to my room?” I asked as I leaned my head closer to his again. I placed a soft kiss on his lips and met his blazing blue eyes again. “Do you want me to come to your room Lucky?” Zeppelin asked. His hand rose and he trailed a finger along my collar bone. I nodded slowly. He raised a brow, gazing at me as his finger slid across my skin lightly. It made my whole body shudder and my heart race. “Well then I can’t refuse you of what you want.” He said softly. “No.” I breathed. Zeppelin smirked and removed his hand, placing it in mine. “Lead the way Angel.”

  Chapter 4

  ~June 2012~

  I pulled Zeppelin along with me as we wandered down the hall to my bedroom. My stomach filled with butterflies. I wasn’t sure what I was doing or why, but I knew that I wanted it, wanted him. I opened my door and let go of Zeppelin’s hand, turning to close and lock it behind him. I didn’t bother turning on the light as I stepped closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He immediately grasped my hips and pulled me into him.

  As soon as our lips touched, my heart leapt into my throat and my blood warmed. Zeppelin traced my bottom lip with his tongue before entering my eager mouth. Turning my body, he walked me backward until I felt my mattress behind my knees. His hands released me and slid down to the back of my thighs. He hoisted me up and I wrapped my legs around him. Carefully, he kneeled on the bed with one leg and began guiding my body back. As soon as my back touched the mattress, his lips traveled across my cheek and down to my neck. He slid his tongue along my skin as one of his hands roamed underneath my top. He felt like fire against my belly as he inched his way closer to my chest. I could feel my nipples harden as he slowly made his way to the lace of my bra.

  I tightened my legs around his waist. I could feel his hardness against my core and moaned as he pressed into me. His hand slid over my breast and he began to massage it gently as he nibbled along my neck. My hand trembled as it ran down his shoulder and across his strong chest. I felt the cold metal of the barbell in his nipple and swept my thumb across it. Zeppelin sucked in a breath. I stopped moving my hand and tensed. Pulling back, his burning gaze locked on to me.

  “What’s the matter?” His rough voice asked. “Did I hurt you?” I wondered. Zeppelin let his tongue slide along his lower lip before biting it, trying to hide a smile. He shook his head slowly. “No baby. That definitely didn’t hurt.” He said. “Oh.” I said quietly and smiled nervously. Zeppelin brushed my hair back and leaned in to kiss me. “You can’t do anything to hurt me.” He spoke between kisses. “In fact,” He added before kissing me again. “I don’t mind if you hurt me a little.” He drew my bottom lip between his teeth and bit down gently before tugging. I whimpered and squeezed my thighs against his hips.

  He pulled back to look at me again, smirking. “Like that Angel. You can bite me if you want.” He leaned down and kissed me and pulled back again. His hand moved to my shoulder and he gently scraped his fingers down my arm, causing me to shiver, but it didn’t hurt. “You can scratch me if you want.” He whispered. He picked up my hand and placed it back on his chest, moving my thumb with his along the barbell again. He sucked in a breath again and groaned, pressing himself into me. “You can touch me if you want.” He said breathlessly. I nodded and went back to running my thumb against the piercing as he bent down to kiss me again.

  One of his hands cupped the side of my face as his mouth moved against mine intensely. His other hand traveled down the front of my body slowly. Once he touched my thigh, he grasped it and pulled it up higher on his waist as his body pressed firmly against me. My body was on fire, my heart was racing, and my mind was focused solely on Zeppelin and what he was doing to me. What I was doing to him and how never had I ever wanted anything as much as I wanted him in this moment.

  I wasn’t drunk, a little buzzed, but conscious enough that I was aware of exactly what I was doing. As I kissed Zeppelin, I began to think about what this could lead to. Obviously by the way he touched me, he wasn’t a virgin like I was. Could he tell that I was new to this? Should I tell him before we went any further? Suddenly I
was a bundle of nerves and my body went from hot to ice-cold as I thought about the enormity of the situation. I had spent my life carefully planned and only moved according to that plan. This, him, was not part of that laid out path that I had wanted to take. Did that make what I was doing wrong?

  Even if Hannah was right and I should relax a little and lighten up, did that mean I had to sleep with the first guy I found myself attracted to since coming to Portland. Was my heart and head prepared to lose my virginity to a guy that I hardly knew, one that I could possibly never see again? My mind began to fill with doubts and reason and a long list of why I should stop Zeppelin right now. I pulled away from his amazing lips and turned my head. My hand came up to rest on my forehead. I tried to control my erratic breathing.

  Possibly sensing my reservations, Zeppelin immediately lifted himself off of me and sat up at the end of the bed. He dragged a hand through his hair and let out a shaky breath. I closed my eyes, trying to fight off the sting of tears beginning to pool in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry because of what Zeppelin and I were doing. I wanted to cry because I felt like I was hurting him. I didn’t want to hurt him or deny him anything. The fact that I was that compelled, after knowing him only a short time caused me to be more confused. I sighed and sat up slowly beside him, still catching my breath.

  “Lucky, you’re unlike anyone I have ever met.” Zeppelin’s voice broke through the silence of my dark room unexpectedly. I turned my head to glance at him. His head was lowered, his hands fisted as they rested atop his knees. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I’m not going to pressure you into something that you’re not ready for.” His head lifted and he turned his blue eyes, appearing much darker and intense, toward me. “Do you understand that? I don’t want to cause you any pain.” His voice broke as he uttered those words. I nodded. “You know that I’m a virgin?” I asked.

  Zeppelin’s lips turned up on one side in a half smile. “Yeah, I can tell by the way your body responds to me. The way you tremble when I touch you, the noises you make when I kiss you.” He explained. One of his fists unclenched and he slid his hand to mine, running a finger across my skin. “I have no guarantees of tomorrow. I don’t know what the future holds Lucky. I do know that I like you and I want you.” I gasped at his declaration and felt my body begin to heat all over again.

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I began to speak. “I like you too Zeppelin.” I sighed. “My life has been planned out for so long because I’ve known what I ultimately wanted. This living in the moment thing is weird to me.” I admitted. “I’m not sure it’s best for me to give myself away like this.” Zeppelin nodded in understanding and slipped his hand off of mine. Letting out a long breath, he stood from the bed. “Let’s get back out to the party. I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.” He glanced at me over his shoulder with a wide grin. I nodded and stood too. As much as I thought I wanted Zeppelin a few moments ago, I knew that it was best to try and be more cautious. I didn’t feel any better about what it was that caused me to feel drawn to him, but at least I now knew that he wasn’t the type of guy to take advantage of me.

  We went back out to the party, acting as if nothing of consequence happened between the two of us. It seemed no one had paid any attention to our whereabouts as they continued with beer pong and dancing to the music in the living room. I spotted Hannah, standing with Josh and talking to a guy I didn’t know. Giving Zeppelin a small smile, I wandered over to my best friend while he jumped into a conversation with Dixon and Tucker.

  “Where did you go?” Hannah wondered as she looked me up and down. I shrugged casually and replied, “I just went to my room for a few minutes.” Her eyes widened and she looped her arm with mine, walking us away and toward the kitchen. She rummaged through the fridge for new drinks and handed me one before saying, “Spill it!” I shook my head and let out a sigh.

  “I thought I wanted to be alone with Zeppelin.” I said quietly. “I kissed him and then invited him back to my room. We made out a little, but I just couldn’t take it any further.” “He was okay with that?” She asked, tilting a brow up. “Yeah, he was actually really nice about it.” Hannah nodded. “Well there will be plenty of other guys I am sure.” I shook my head. “I’m not going to look to hook up Hannah. I told you, I know I need to lighten up a bit, but hooking up just isn’t my thing.” She shot me a glare. “Not that it’s a bad thing.” I quickly back pedaled my statement. I didn’t judge my friend for her choices, but it just wasn’t me. I told her as much.

  “I get it Lucky. I just don’t want to see you so wrapped up in school and your career just to become a lonely old cat lady.” Hannah said with a smile. I rolled my eyes. “I’m not going to be a cat lady.” I said. Hannah shrugged. “I sure as hell hope not. I’m proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone though. Book smarts are no good to you if you don’t also have a little bit of street smarts.” She said. I nodded in agreement. I didn’t want to be naïve to things in the world, but I also didn’t want to experience everything either. “I like Zeppelin. I’ll just take it a day at a time and see how it goes.” I said. Hannah raised her bottle to mine and they clinked together. “Here’s to an easy going Lucky.” She smirked.

  Chapter 5

  ~Present Day~

  I touched my fingers to my lips as I recalled that first night at Dixon’s house after the fight. I had acted out completely unlike what I was accustomed to. I wasn’t ashamed though. I firmly believe, now more than I did then, that there can be a special connection with someone. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known them for five years or five minutes. That’s how it started with Zeppelin and me. We were like moths to each other’s flames. It began as something lust filled, an attraction, that spark of electricity.

  People say that relationships starting on that can go nowhere. It’s been said that acting upon your urges in a quick manner isn’t appropriate. But if it hadn’t been for that night, watching Zeppelin fight, the way he kissed me for the first time. If we hadn’t acted on our feelings, living in the moment, then I may have never known him or grown so close to him eventually. I would have never experienced all of the amazing firsts. I wouldn’t have learned to trust a stranger and bare my heart and soul.

  Call it being young and irresponsible. Judge me for holding on to something like my virginity for dear life and being cautious for twenty one years, only to possibly throw it all away for a man I hardly knew. It doesn’t bother me what people thought about Zeppelin’s and my relationship. It was deep, it was hot, it was intoxicating and captivating. It was nothing I ever expected and everything I ever needed.

  More tears began to spill from my eyes, falling on to the black dress that I wore. I took a deep breath in through my nose and let it out through my mouth. There was a soft knock on the door to the room I was in. My mother stepped in a few moments later, her soft hazel eyes searching my face.

  “How are you holding up Lucy?” She asked. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. Opening them slowly, my lips curved up in a half smile. “I’m hanging in there. I’m tired of waiting.” My mother placed an arm around me, squeezing my shoulders. “The waiting can be the hardest part sometimes. You’ve made it this far baby. I know you can hang in there a little while longer.” I nodded. My mother was always good at giving me those little pep talks, making me see reason and relax. I was grateful to have her with me.

  “Where’s Dixon?” I asked. I hadn’t seen my cousin since this morning. “He’s around. He was asking about you. Wanted to make sure you were doing okay.” I smiled. After that summer that I stayed with Dixon, we grew even closer. I considered him one of my best friends in the entire world. He was family, but even if he wasn’t, I liked to think we would still be friends. Dixon was always there when I needed him and he always looked out for me. Especially when things got nearly unbearable for me, when I thought I was going to lose Zeppelin for the first time.

  “I’d like to talk to him before it’s time to go.”
I said quietly. There were a few things I wanted to say to my cousin and I was sure if I didn’t say it before, I wouldn’t be able to speak afterward. Today was a huge day for me, for all of us. Emotions were high and of course there were bound to be tears. My mother nodded and squeezed my shoulders once more before stepping away from me. Her eyes were misty as she gazed at me this time. “I’m so proud of you Lucy. You’ve become a strong and beautiful woman. I know that Zeppelin thinks the same.”

  I watched my mother turn to go, opening and closing the door in one swift motion. I was left alone again, my IPOD still playing softly in the background. A Jason Derulo song began to play and I smiled, remembering the first night I ran my car down the track in Portland. Hannah rode with me to the track and we blasted my stereo, as we sped down the highway. I was amped up and ready to race. That was the second time I saw Zeppelin.

  ~June 2012~

  After the small party at Dixon’s on Saturday night, I felt like a new person. I still wanted the same things. I was still looking forward to starting school in the fall and finding a place to live. I began to feel even more excited for the possibility of new beginnings. I took what Hannah had said to heart. I wanted to branch out and enjoy life.

  It was Thursday afternoon and I was sitting on my bed in my room at Dixon’s. I had just finished painting my toe nails and was listening to music while I waited for them to dry. My phone beside me beeped with an incoming text message. I reached for it and my stomach flip flopped as I read Zeppelin’s name across the screen.